How to Win by Stephen Colbert

By: Josh
Published On: 10/11/2006 9:36:17 AM

From New York News: Stephen Colbert Has America by the Ballots:


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 


  ISSUE


  ADVICE TO DEMOCRATS


  ADVICE TO REPUBLICANS
 
The next House Leader will be... (Whisper) ... nancy pelosi ... Cleared of all charges.
The Economy Ask, “Are you better off now than you were six years ago? Ask, GÇ£Are you more blown up by a terrorist now than you were six years ago?GÇ¥
The Plan for Iraq Not “cut-and-run” … “sever-and-stroll.” GÇ£WhatGÇÖs Iraq?GÇ¥
The Budget Say you won’t balance the budget on the backs of the poor. Say youGÇÖll sell advertising on the backs of the poor.
Illegal Immigration “¡Hola! Voto para nosotros.” GÇ£Do not wash the GÇÿrojoGÇÖ sock with the GÇÿblancoGÇÖ shirt.GÇ¥
Global Warming Appeal to coastal voters in states like Florida. Appeal to future coastal voters in states like Ohio.
Health Care Tell story of poor, uninsured mother of three to support your push for Universal Coverage. Tell story of Tiny Tim to support your push for Christmas Miracles.
NSA Surveillance Call anyone wearing a tie “a fascist.” Call anyone wearing a wire GÇ£a patriot.GÇ¥
Alternative Energy The Limitless Power of Hemp! Gitmo detainees on treadmill-generators!
Jobs Support honest crusaders for workers’ rights, like the Teamsters. GÇ£I hear the ArmyGÇÖs hiring GǪGÇ¥
Prayer in School There is no place in public school for God, no matter how you choose to define Him … or not define Him … or Her … or It … or Them … or … We?The public schools need our prayers, because theyGÇÖre sure not getting our money.
Smearing Your Opponents Take the high road. It’s much easier to sling mud downhill. Reveal new tests that prove McCainGÇÖs illegitimate black child actually fathered by (Democratic opponentGÇÖs name here).
Firing Up the Base Get Clintons on TV as much as possible. Get Clintons on TV as much as possible.


Comments