Recognizing the divisive demagoguery of political campaigns, he suggests that the U.S.:
elect four presidents: The President of Abortions, The President of Guns, The President of Gays, and The President of Everything Else.The President of Abortions will wield full power over America's fetuses. When he says "Jump," they'll say "But we're fetuses." His responsibility will be to either uphold or overturn Roe v. Wade in his first week in office, then spend a 1,453-day "lame duck" period acting righteous about his choice at meetings and dinner parties.
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The President of Everything Else, unencumbered by these other vote-swinging policies, will be free to take informed, responsible action on more complex, less knee-jerk issues such as the war, healthcare, education, social security, and which Star Wars film is the best . . .
Nice, perceptive satire from this Syracuse student.
For President of Guns: Larry Craig. Reason: Who knows better about a Mannlicher?
President of Abortions: Dubbya. Reason: He may hold the key to partial brain abortions. Second Choice: Gerald Nadler: Reason: He's always saying fetus (Oh, that was "Feed us" ?). Sorry, my error.
President of Gays: Bill Frist Reason: He will always be able to tell who's gay simply by viewing a video of them, then appointing one to take Lindsey Graham's job when he retires.
President of Everything Else: Lowell, of course. Reason: He devours all news, works all hours of the day and night, obviously, and knows how to cut out the deadwood. He may not know which Star Wars is the best; for that, we need to exhume Ronald Reagan.
Lowell may have a problem running for President -- he's too normal. Most of the GOP candidates seem certifiable.